She thinks she’s a kitty.
<3___<3
(via cage-veil-cunt)
Chic chair thief. (Taken with instagram)
Bailey! Our houseguest for the night! (Taken with instagram)
Waaay too busy to actually eat my real lunch so this’ll have to do. (Taken with instagram)
(via damnitamber)
I’ve never liked being alone. I’ve always found it unsettling and scary and avoided loneliness at all costs. When I was much younger I’d get into relationships with men I didn’t love just have company, just to have a way of keeping loneliness away. I’ve been that way most of my life, having spent 13 of the last 14 years in and out of romantic relationships. Until recently.
When I moved to Boston I was alone constantly and I hated it. I knew before I even left Seattle that I would be alone a lot once I moved, and I was fearful about that. My first few months in Boston I cried and hid in my room most of the time. I didn’t have a job yet, I didn’t have friends yet, and my boyfriend was always busy at Harvard. I made desperate phone calls to my best friends back home, threatening to drop out of school and move back to Seattle because the idea of staying in Boston by myself for a year was too much to handle. I became angry when my boyfriend couldn’t hang out and break the loneliness for me. I stayed up all night, unable to sleep because I was sleeping alone in a house with people I didn’t know in a city that was totally foreign to me.
Slowly, however, I got used to being alone. And then quickly after that, I really started enjoying it. All day I anticipated the moment I could come home, close my bedroom door, and just be with myself.
There were several reasons I ended my relationship a few weeks ago, but needing to be alone was one of them. I didn’t identify it as such at the time, I was mostly operating from a place of following my intuition and making a decision that felt “right”. Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on my motives, I can see that being in a relationship was interfering with a really important process of self discovery. I have been waiting all my adult life to feel sated, to feel whole on my own, and I finally started to feel it. I wanted to explore that feeling far more than I wanted to continue giving myself to my romantic relationship, because I’ve always given myself to romantic relationships. I’ve been trading self discovery for self sacrifice my whole adult life. I’ve been married, divorced, abandoned, abused. I’ve given birth, dropped out of school, uprooted myself and moved. I’ve done so much for the men I’ve loved that there has barely been time to even ask myself if that’s what I wanted. Not every relationship I’ve entered into was informed by my need to not be alone, but many were.
As I usually do when I break up with someone, I tried to rebound immediately. I had two dates lined up within 3 day of my breakup. But, I didn’t go on those dates. No longer motivated by loneliness, I find that I’m not at all interested in dating. I feel so good and whole on my own, I don’t have much interest in finding something to distract me from that wholeness.
I keep looking back, not with regret, but with amusement at all the years I spent chasing something I had the whole time. I’ve spent so much time trying to find happiness in others when I could have cultivated it myself all along.
I love this!
I spent 5 years living with roommates, and HATED being alone. Like, Pathologically hated it. It gave me anxiety. But after a lot of toxicity in my living situation, I decided to move into a great little flat with 2 pantries and hardwood floors and a big patio ALL BY MYSELF.
When I told my mom I was doing it, she looked so shocked, and admitted that she had NEVER lived alone in her life, ever. She went from High school to Dorms to married to kids.
The first few weeks were absolutely terrifying. I slept on the couch with the TV on so the silence didn’t eat me. I cried a lot.
But then I started Dancing around my flat in my underwear listening to Etta James singing at the top of my lungs, or cooking great big meals JUST FOR ME because I LIKE THEM. I did all the things I liked to do because I liked them. I make huge cakes and chocolates from scratch and painted pictures and sat in the middle of the hard wood floors listening to old dusty records and smoked pot and laid on my patio in shorts and tank tops and read books for whole days and felt more comfortable walking further away and exploring the city by myself, and drinking coffee or going to restaurants by myself.
I really got to know myself. FOR THE FIRST TIME.
so, Amber, Darling, I hope all of the joy of self discovery for you. It feels really, really nice. <3
I WILL MAKE ALL THE NERD CRAFTS.
Sweaty tacky pj party and I ain’t got no eyebrows on.
Spring cleaned tonight. Felt goooood.
(Source: cruxandcrowvintage, via pussybow)
My landlord needs to fix my bathroom already so I can get rid of this clutter!!!! (Taken with instagram)
What better way to embrace summer than with the Tropical Travels Dress?
This is my lunch. I am an adult. (Taken with instagram)
Transcribe all the hand written notesssssszzzzzzzzzzzZZZZ! (Taken with instagram)
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